Strauss v Ponting

Swanny's Agenda

2009-09-03T13:13:00.001+01:00

Shooting Stars?! Come on Graeme, you need to get out more.

An Apology

2009-08-25T22:25:00.007+01:00

Sorry, this blog never really got going did it? Well, it got going and then it stopped. And didn't start again. The reason for this is fairly simple. The Strauss v Ponting Twitter account. It was not as much hard work, proved pretty popular and was great for banter. So I kind of got stuck on there.

Yesterday I announced Strauss v Ponting was going on holiday until November 2010, but then I was inundated with at least four desperate pleas for it to continue. This couldn't happen on the basis that I do not have the power to move the Ashes series. We came to a compromise though. @SirStraussy was born. He'll be tweeting until he retires. Or until Graeme Swann gets involved and suggests someone is 'posing' as him. Which happened tonight.

Twits Affected Our Batting

2009-07-14T16:05:00.002+01:00

I guess I should have seen it coming really. As captain I should be thinking a couple of steps ahead. For this I apologise to England supporters everywhere. It just wasn't on my radar.

The truth is that twitter is indicative of our batting at the moment. Quick. Sometimes inspired. Mostly irrelevant. I am as much to blame as anyone. I have been twittering over the last few weeks and look at my innings. They have been over before anyone can type, 'spilt drink on a glove'. KP has been at it too, even twittering from the field of play - which probably isn't strictly in the spirit of the game (I'll ask Ricky). Jimmy and Swanny are also telling anyone who cares to listen what music they are listening to on the journey into the ground.

And if we're not twittering ourselves we are certainly reading what other twits are saying. Jonathan 'Aggers' Agnew and David 'Bumble' Lloyd particularly. Cooky couldn't bear to be out of the changing room for five minutes for fear of missing something. His mind was all agog in the middle. Completely distracted from the job in hand because he was wondering whether Aggers had helped CMJ fix his new laptop yet and whether the mystery of David 'Davey-Boy' Gowers tie had been resolved. With that sort of gibberish in your mind it's hard to play straight down the ground.

It really is no surprise that Colly was the only one to last longer than 140 characters worth of time in the middle. He's still trapped in the age of the blog and hasn't set foot near a twit since Michael Atherton offered him some dirt from his pocket during the Twenty20 World Cup.

I am not stupid. I know full well that my captaincy has come under a bit of criticism from certain people in the last few days so it's about time I show how good I am. I've been having a think and this is what I have worked out. It would seem that the twitter mentality is suited to Twenty20. The blogging mentality is suited to ODI's. The book writing mentality is suited to a Test Match. Which in my mind seems to suggest that the Steve Waugh autobiography writing mentality is suited to an Ashes Test Series. (That is one long book - 72,183 pages if I remember correctly). So this week all the guys are going to start penning their own Steve Waugh biographies. Simple but brilliant. By the time we get to the 2021 Ashes we will be just about immovable.

Thanks for the support at Cardiff. Really appreciated. Especially from the Welsh.

Puppy Love

2009-07-05T20:38:00.011+01:00

Evening Aussies and Poms. So an interesting development over the last few days. And I'm not talking about Steve Harmison's new found cricket wicket sat-nav. I'm talking about one of our guys. One of our guys has fallen head over heals in love with BBC cricket correspondent Alison Mitchell. What a time to do it! Just before the First Test. She's a fine looking sheila and everything but talk about unprofessional. (Him I mean. Not her).

I can't out him for legal reasons (like the fact that he has a wife), but he has become completely infatuated with her siren song. It's unbelievable. He's in a totally different world now. Daydreaming. Not eating. And spending far too long staring at her twitter account profile picture. It's like Shane Warne and those three girls from the Advanced Hair Studio all over again. Bloody nightmare to manage.

Mind you it could be worse I guess. It came to light on Wednesday evening. I was room sharing with Player X during our game against the Pommy 2nd XI. All of a sudden he starts muttering in his sleep. It started innocently enough with, 'I'll get the bill', but soon it was, 'I love you Mitchell! I love you!'. What is a captain to think? First thing that crossed my mind was that he was calling out for Mitchell Johnson. Worrying as that was, it wasn't half as worrying as when he again shouted, 'I'll get the bill!' Alarm bells are then really ringing. One of my players wants a threesome with Mitchell Johnson and Bill Lawry! Now look, I'm a fairly liberal bloke when it comes to that sort of thing, but Bill Lawry is seventy-bloody-two. I mean that's just wrong in anyones language.

Well I jumped out of bed as you do in this kind of circumstance and started edging towards the door. I'm a good looking bloke. I'm therefore thinking I am the next candidate if Player X is organising an orgy. I don't want to listen to that. I'm just about to open the door when I hear, 'I love you Mitchell! I love you Alison Mitchell!' You can imagine my relief. The last time I was that relieved was during David Boon's Annual Lager party.

That's not the end of the problem though. He could be a liability come Wednesday if Alison Mitchell is walking around the boundary. Especially if we're batting at the time. Got some tough talking to have with him over the next day. A captain's work is never done.

Cardiff Teas Cost Us

2009-07-13T14:56:00.011+01:00

Ah look guys, a lot has been made of my comments last night, but it's not the reason we lost the Test. Sure, I wasn't impressed with England's tactics late in the day, but at the same time I wasn't impressed with the Cardiff teas. Five days in a row we had to endure cheese and onion sandwiches, hula-hoops and battenberg cake. It's always gonna be a tough challenge to take twenty wickets on that sort of diet. Unfortunately, we fell just short.

I don't think the quality of battenberg was particularly good for a Test Match venue, no. And I don't think another Test Match should be held here until that's sorted out. It's no secret that the Poms prefer fairy cakes so for the ECB to provide us with stodgy battenberg was pretty bad form actually. You just have to look at the height of Mitchell Johnson's bowling arm in the final session to see how much it was weighing him down. If it had been any lower he would have been called the 'New Trevor Chappell'. I don't want to make a big thing out of it, but I am sure others will be taking this up with the England hierarchy. As they should. All I'll say is that I didn't feel it was in the spirit of cricket teas. But they can do what they want. We'll always provide them with Milo and vegemite.

But look, we've got to concentrate on the positives, of which there were many. We'll walk away very proud of what we have achieved here. We've proved a lot to ourselves and know we can overcome most types of hula-hoop. Many members of the English press doubted we could do this without Warney so that's a big confidence boost for the likes of Nathan Hauritz. We'll just have to be a bit more careful when it comes to cake in future. Maybe take the marzipan off or something. We'll take a look at that in the next twenty-four hours and reassess where we are at. The good thing for us is that it's Lord's next and we haven't had a bad cricket tea there since 1934.

Until next time. Waltz like Matilda.

Goodbye Michael

2009-06-30T14:57:00.003+01:00

Good afternoon all. The chaps and I are back from our bonding trip to Belgium. I think we are a much closer unit now. But then I have to say that don't I? It's in my contract. Only an hour or so ago I had a slap on the wrist from Giles Clarke for suggesting that there was a time keeping issue in the camp. It's going to be worse now he's smashed my watch to smithereens. There is some very muddy thinking in the higher echelons of the ECB.

We all settled down to watch Michael Vaughan's press conference this morning. The tension was palpable. When was he going to breakdown? My money was on the fifth minute when he would no doubt mention that Gunn & Moore had ended their sponsorship with him. I was wrong. He didn't breakdown at all and he didn't even mention his bat. Unbelievable. To make matters worse Colly won all the money. He's already on a high after he was commissioned to write his own Shane Warne biography. Now the ginger ninja is just unbearable to be around.

Warwickshire tomorrow. Should be interesting playing against a county as England. First though, we are off to Laser Quest to give Vaughany a proper send off. We're not playing there of course. That's where Vaughany now works.

Bonding Trip: Day One

2009-06-26T18:15:00.006+01:00

I awoke early this morning in order to make the trip up to Birmingham. The chosen sixteen were told to meet outside HMV - in the Bullring - with our passports. All we knew is that we were going to embark on a bonding exercise. Naturally I was the first there. Swanny was next to arrive. Although I didn't recognise him in all his leather gear.

"What on earth are you dressed like, Graeme?" I asked.

"I thought I may as well come dressed ready for the occasion," he replied.

"What occasion?" I asked, confused.

"Our bondage session of course!"

"It's bonding, Graeme. Bonding." I took £50 out of my wallet, "H&M is over there, now go and buy yourself something slightly less kinky and certainly something less revealing. And I want change!"

Spinners! I hear Jim Laker was the same. It's disgusting.

Half an hour later we had all assembled and were being bored to death by Freddie going on about how he hit 93 from 41 balls last night. "It's Derbyshire mate, not Pakistan," said Andy 'Flowery' Flower, all of a sudden. That shut him up. Flowery then proceeded to hand out spare England ties. "These are not for your neck, they are to cover your eyes. All watch Monty while he shows you how to perfect the blind Rambo look." We all looked at Monty as Flowery threw him a tie. He misjudged it terribly and promptly dropped it down to level one. "He better not be playing this summer," I heard Broady mumble behind me. I back-heeled him in the shin. Bonding already.

"When you've got your ties on your head come over here and line up," said Flowery, marking out a line with a piece of chalk. "Then when I say 'Eddo Brandes' I want you all to pull your ties over your eyes. To make sure the press don't know where we are going, you aren't going to know either. I am mainly talking to you here KP. I don't want any News of the World exclusives again. Are we all ready? Okay. Eddo Brandes!"

I felt a nudge on my arm then the dulcet tones of Swanny, "Told you skip. Please can I room with you?"

As Seen Through Geoffrey Boycott's Camera: Part One

2009-06-24T18:39:00.007+01:00

Beach Boys

2009-06-23T19:46:00.001+01:00

Evening folks. Down at Hove. First proper game of tour against Sussex tomorrow. (I'm not including our Twenty20 hit and giggles. Damn stupid game). You have to admire what Sussex have done this year. To convince the ECB that they only have one overseas player is a remarkable feat. Dwayne Smith, Murray Goodwin, Piyush Chawla and Yasir Arafat. That's four in anyone one's language isn't it? May as well have organised a game against Lashings or the Harlem Globetrotters.

Gave the boys this arvo off. Practice was good this morning so they deserved it. Quite of few of the guys went off for a round of putt-putt on the Isle of Wight. The rest of us - me, Kat, Huss, Pup and BJ - went to Brighton to buy some souvenirs. Shocked to discover the bus fare has gone up since '05 - didn't have the right change on me.

Didn't take long before BJ and Huss were begging me to let them go for a swim. You might think that sounds strange, but we have insurance to consider. James Sutherland's money-saving idea this time around has been to not cover us for jellyfish stings or frostbite. I eventually relented so long as they were careful. Kat and I sat on the beach taking photos, licking Twister lollies and playing rock-paper-scissors. I won the best of 555, 278 to 12. I guess it was a bit unfair as Kat was wearing a wrist cast. More about this in a later post.

Bell has just sounded for dinner. Will try and blog tomorrow but will depend if we are batting or not. If we're in the field I'll borrow Brett's iPhone and do a bit of twitter commentary for you.

Ashes Build Up: Day One

2009-06-22T17:56:00.008+01:00

Well the Ladies really have put a marker down haven't they? A quite brilliant demonstration of how to booze the night away. They really put Freddie's effort from 2005 to shame. It's something we chaps are going to have to look at closely because we can learn a lot.

The pre-Ashes 16-man party was announced today as I am sure you may have seen. Sadly some of the boys got entirely the wrong end of the stick. Priory (Matt Prior) turned up at Headquarters today with 24 Bacardi Breezers, ten glow sticks, four whistles and a Status Quo CD. "Not that sort of party, Matthew," I said, whipping his Cowboy hat off. Being a man of many talents I immediately saw a use for the glow sticks of course. David Lloyd's Bumblemobil has never been so pimped. "Zat iz wot I iz talkin' abaht," as Ravi Bop put it, while clicking his fingers in some unorthodox fashion.

Then it was down to business. We watched last night's Empire of Cricket. I had to split KP and Cooky up after fifteen minutes. Cooky is a good lad but easily led astray. I spoke with KP afterwards, "Look Kevin, whilst I am trying to show the boys how to play Bishan Bedi's wrong-un, I don't expect you to be encouraging Cooky to write 'Jelly Beans' on Colly's forehead. And I don't care if Colly was asleep." To be fair to KP, they did use washable ink.

So that was this morning. This afternoon we had a Wii Tennis tournament to get us in the mood for Wimbledon. And what better way to reenact facing Stuart Clark than by swinging wildly at fresh air? Hopefully this will teach the boys not to edge him so bloody often this summer. For those of you who are interested, Adil Rashid was cruelly robbed of the title when his controller got tangled up in Ryan Sidebottom's hair. Hard lines.

Off home now to see Mrs. Strauss and young Samuel. He was sitting his Maths GCSE today. He's only three but he has a really good calculator. Tally ho.

Wheels Fall Off The Aussie Shelia's Bandwagon

2009-06-19T16:57:00.007+01:00

Strewth mate! Really disappointed with Karen Rolton's Sheilas today. How did they let that one slip? Especially to the Pommy Sheilas. Bunch of chokers. You gotta say fair play to Beth Morgan mind, she really took the pressure off Clare Taylor. Paul Collingwood's place looks under threat again. I mean, Morgan has two shots.

As one of you predicted, Mitchell did choose bloody Wimpy. Only the Pomms could create a fast food chain and call it Wimpy. Only Mitchell could make us dine there. Cheapskate. James Sutherland will be pleased though. More money for his back pocket.

Huss & Pup looking good in the nets earlier. They'll both be averaging 75+ this summer easy. Takes the pressure of me at three and so I'll probably score over 500 runs myself. We're all bowling at Megabowl tonight. Should be good.

The Wild Card

2009-06-18T06:47:00.001+01:00

What a splendid morning in London's fair city. I have just had the pleasure of watching Strauss Jr chomping away on his Nutri-Grain for the last ten minutes. His table manners are impeccable.

I'm working on the batting line-up this morning. It's not as obvious as you may think. Do I go for Straussy, Cooky, Boppy, KPey, Colly and Priory as the top six or mix it up a little? I am very tempted to get Mark Lathwell in there somewhere. What a talent that boy was. In '93 I snuck out of Geography with my best friend, Henry Montgomery-Justice, just so I could watch him tonk the Aussies all over the place. Lathwell I mean, not HMJ. The only thing HMJ tonked was his GCSE's (mirth all round as I write this). Lathwell failed us. He failed England. A two-test wonder. His time will surely come again though. Form is temporary, class is permanent. This is what Mrs Strauss keeps saying. I don't think she's talking about my batting mind. Anyway, I digress. Back to Mark Lathwell. I think he needs another crack at the whip. Maybe this summer? Maybe I could get him out to the middle wearing Cooky's helmet? That would have everyone fooled. Obviously I'll need to talk this over with Andy 'The Flowerpot Man' Flower (I made that nickname up), but Lathy could just be our wild card. Does anyone know what he is up to these days?

Sugar Puffs! Just remembered I'm supposed to be playing for Middlesex in Bristol today. Let us hope the M4 speed traps aren't working.

The Bowlers

2009-06-18T14:29:00.007+01:00

A solid, if not spectacular, 32 against the jolly nice chaps from Gloucestershire today. As a proud England Captain I gladly sacrificed my wicket. I have far more important things to do with what little time I have, like organise my bowling line-up. I know there is growing support for the recall of Chris 'I have no idea how that got in there' Lewis, but I am afraid I shall be ignoring the urge. For me there is only one man who can strike fear into the heart of any first slip and that man in Steve Harmison. I know I am going to have opposition to this selection though - probably from Steve himself - so I have sent Devon Malcolm a text message and told him to warm-up. I have no idea what to make of his reply, 'Yo Lord Brockett, me got dem on hooks dis summa lol!!' Is the man out fishing, I wonder to myself.

Just had a quick gander at that most British of institutions - Ceefax. Who else grew up watching pages 340-349? Good to see Freddie back in the hutch already. Nothing like hitting a six then getting out next ball. He's batting at eight if I get my way. Geoffrey Boycott's mother could have done better. (Incidentally, I am sure she must have a free bus pass. She gets everywhere).

Good Evening Chaps & Chapesses

2009-06-16T20:03:00.005+01:00

Andrew Strauss reporting. Proud captain of the England Cricket Team. I'll be letting you know how our chaps do this summer using this rather more elegant font. Rest assured we'll be going out all guns blazing to bring that Urn back to Blighty. Follow me and we can jolly well do it. God Save The Queen.

Mitchell's Choice

2009-06-17T13:25:00.009+01:00

G'day people. Good net this arvo. Pup is ripping it sqaure. Looks like we'll be playing two spinners as Cardiff after all.

So, Warney started this great tradition on the 1993 Ashes tour. No, not bowling overweight English batsmen (that's you Gatting), although he did keep that up for many years. I'm talking about his other tradition. The fast food tradition. Each tour he used to pick a fast food chain that we had to dine at on the eve of every Test. Nothing like bonding over a Double Cheeseburger. Warney chose McDonald's in 93. And 97. And 01. And 05. Apparently there is strip joint near every restaurant. I never went though. Warney's busy working for Sky Sports this time around so the decision of which fast food chain to dine at in 09 has fallen to Mitchell Johnson. He's going to announce his decision in the team meeting tonight. I'll let you know. If it's MacDonald's again, I'll be fuming.

G'Day Folks

2009-06-16T19:55:00.004+01:00

G'day folks. Australian Captain Ricky Ponting here. Just call me Punter. Throughout the summer I'll be diarising the drubbing we're giving the Pomms in this loud, brash Antipodean font. Stick around because it's going to be a fast ride. God Save Dame Edna Everage.