Puppy Love

Evening Aussies and Poms. So an interesting development over the last few days. And I'm not talking about Steve Harmison's new found cricket wicket sat-nav. I'm talking about one of our guys. One of our guys has fallen head over heals in love with BBC cricket correspondent Alison Mitchell. What a time to do it! Just before the First Test. She's a fine looking sheila and everything but talk about unprofessional. (Him I mean. Not her).

I can't out him for legal reasons (like the fact that he has a wife), but he has become completely infatuated with her siren song. It's unbelievable. He's in a totally different world now. Daydreaming. Not eating. And spending far too long staring at her twitter account profile picture. It's like Shane Warne and those three girls from the Advanced Hair Studio all over again. Bloody nightmare to manage.

Mind you it could be worse I guess. It came to light on Wednesday evening. I was room sharing with Player X during our game against the Pommy 2nd XI. All of a sudden he starts muttering in his sleep. It started innocently enough with, 'I'll get the bill', but soon it was, 'I love you Mitchell! I love you!'. What is a captain to think? First thing that crossed my mind was that he was calling out for Mitchell Johnson. Worrying as that was, it wasn't half as worrying as when he again shouted, 'I'll get the bill!' Alarm bells are then really ringing. One of my players wants a threesome with Mitchell Johnson and Bill Lawry! Now look, I'm a fairly liberal bloke when it comes to that sort of thing, but Bill Lawry is seventy-bloody-two. I mean that's just wrong in anyones language.

Well I jumped out of bed as you do in this kind of circumstance and started edging towards the door. I'm a good looking bloke. I'm therefore thinking I am the next candidate if Player X is organising an orgy. I don't want to listen to that. I'm just about to open the door when I hear, 'I love you Mitchell! I love you Alison Mitchell!' You can imagine my relief. The last time I was that relieved was during David Boon's Annual Lager party.

That's not the end of the problem though. He could be a liability come Wednesday if Alison Mitchell is walking around the boundary. Especially if we're batting at the time. Got some tough talking to have with him over the next day. A captain's work is never done.